STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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