I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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