weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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