I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
