It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
