i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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