I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
