Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
