he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
