Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
