dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
