the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
