We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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