I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
