she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
