the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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