I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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