big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
