god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
being pregnant is like rehab
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
