can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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