i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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