Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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