genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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