Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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