I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
