Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
