New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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