Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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