Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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