OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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