hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
