Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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