I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?