why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.