I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
If its not for food we ain't going out.