Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.