I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
