Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Randomize
