apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
