I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
