I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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