I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
