***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
