singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
