dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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