is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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