I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.