DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..