I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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