I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
