I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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