I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
