I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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