you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
