this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
