I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
