its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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