She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
