my phone needs a breathalizer
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
