Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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