you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
time to smoke my breakfast
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
